Wednesday, 24 June 2009

The Art of Dyeing

PenelopeCruz

Aspiration.....

I dyed this morning. And it’s Guy’s fault.

You see, last Sunday I was sprawled on the sitting room floor reading The Times Book Review when Guy sauntered in trailing a couple of acres of grass clippings across the freshly vacuumed carpet.

“Are you making coffee?” he asked.

“No,” I replied tersely. “If you look closely, you’ll see I’m reading the paper.”

There was a momentary silence and then this.

“You’ve got 7 grey hairs.” Guy announced and flounced off in a manly way to the kitchen.

Cut to supermarket ‘Hair Care’ aisle and me standing in stupefied amazement as I gape open-mouthed at three and a half million hair-colour products.

“Lord love a duck,” I muttered and strode bravely forth to investigate.

I won’t bore you with the details but suffice it to say that after long hours of deliberation, I chose a Penelope Cruz look-alike in the vain hope that Woody Allen would cast me in a sequel to Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Then I can leave Guy and his grass clipping and date George Clooney instead.

And speaking of vanity, I will most certainly not be venturing out today – possibly not ever again. Not with my brunette ears and a stain the size of an enormous birthmark which trails down from my hairline to my right eyebrow. Even my t-shirt looks like it has been pooped on by a flock of birds. So that will have to be binned. To add insult to injury, my left pinkie finger looks as though it should be amputated because that, too, has turned dark brown. Obviously one of those hand-shaped condoms they supply you with had a leak.

All this…this…trauma! All in the name of vanity and 7 grey hairs.

black ears

Reality.

Is it worth it?

All together now…………NO!

Instead of sitting at home sulking with my brunette ears and a finger, I'm going to practise my Diski Dance. Care to join me?


43 comments:

Angela said...

Oh c`mon, don`t be such a ninny! Wer schön sein will, muss leiden, the Germans say. If you want to be beautiful, you must suffer. That is law! The dance is hot! I tapped
along!

Exmoorjane said...

aha, thought you were going to tell me it would give me cancer....so almost relieved it's just the horror of the big black (or in my case bright red) stain down the face.... My old place had carpet in the bathroom - how silly is that? - and it got to look as if I'd axe murdered someone in it.

Amanda Fall - PersistentGreen said...

Absolutely hilarious! I found you over at Silke's blog. I've voluntarily dyed my hair numerous times, with even more numerous mysterious stains. Every time, I ask myself, "Why am I doing this again?" But then I forget....and try again. :) Women are funny creatures.

Bee said...

I seem to remember a recent picture of the husband . . . and you could say of him that he only has 7 dark hairs!

It would be nice to have Penelope's hair . . . so sorry that the reality fell short of the fantasy! (funny story, though)

I'm REALLY GLAD that you managed to sort out your blog problem. What fixed it? It has been shutting me out for a while now. (I meant to write and tell you.)

A Cuban In London said...

Love the dance, the video is very well done. In regards to grey hairs, join the club. Had mine since I was seventeen, it runs in the family.

So, when does filming start :-)?

Greetings from London.

Janelle said...

sheesh..only SEVEN!??? man. i am so going to the saloon like ASAP. xxx j

Lola said...

7 white hairs? Only??

Ha, this was hilarious. But hey, I'm sorry you look like a Spring Spaniel. It'll wear off soon, no worries. I once had a similar experience with henna. I looked like a 5'3" carrot. Although I am a veritable brunette, my base must be dark blonde, because that pesky Indian mix turned bright Hare Krishna-orange within minutes.

The video made me cry... I miss it so. I'm in for a lot of tears with the upcoming World Cup, I know.

Ciao dear friend. You are a gazillion times more beautiful than that tiny little Spanish woman.

Lola xx

soulbrush said...

roflol...eeek, i've done that so many times....now i don't bother...men with grey hair look 'distinguished' women just look 'mature' eeeeek. loved that video,lump in the throat..where did you gorw up and how long have you been here? not sure if i've ever =asked you before....hugs

lakeviewer said...

I remember those days when a few gray hair caused so much action on my part, and so many casualties too. I say splurge and get salon treatments. You're worth it.

Sarah Lulu said...

I did try a few times to do my own colouring but had to surrender and go to the hairdresser instead ...I have a few (a few?) more than 7 grey hairs. In fact I've recently gone blonde/greyish ...kinda of white hahaha instead of the red I was ..it's so much easier.

LOVED the video.

Beth Kephart said...

OH goodness, this made me laugh. I mean, I think you are perfection to begin with and now, with this confession, you are even more so. Didn't I see a photograph of Guy? Doesn't he have more than seven gray hairs? And don't we all want to be in the sequel to Vicky Cristina (but who do you want to be? I'm still deciding...)

Audrey said...

Been there, done that with the hair color! Now, I need to get me some Diski Dance lessons. What fun is that!

kendalee said...

Oh dear! I'm so sorry to laugh at someone's misfortune but I did have a little giggle! This is precisely why I've avoided the dying thing up to now, despite my sister's advice that "it's time". She's a blonde so I'm fairly sure all she suffers is a little bleach burn. I'm a redhead so I have visions of orange blobs all over... Thanks for the cautionary tale. And I hope the brown bits fade fast!

Thanks too for the video - great vibe! Makes me a touch homesick but smiley inside at the same time.

cuileann said...

Hm...I like gray hairs in theroy. Hopefully in practice too.

pink dogwood said...

absolutely hilarious !!!!
My hair started graying when I was in my early 20s - so I have been dying - you will eventually get the hang of it :) But I agree, I wouldnt bother with dying for just 7 gray hairs :)

The Green Stone Woman said...

A little bit of scrubbing will take care of those stains, but you don't say if your hair looks beautiful. And you realize that once you've colored your hair, you must keep doing it when your hair grows out. It's a pain in the neck.

I have dark ash blond hair and the gray hairs don't show up, so I need not do anything, which is good, because with short hair I would have to color it with every haircut, at least once a month.

Enjoy your hair, and the next time, don't worry about the gray ones.

Hugs,
Irene

Polly said...

First time's never easy!! OK, I haven't actually dyied my hair yet but I would imagine it's something you can get better at. With time...

But not for seven gray hair! Wouldn't it be easier to just pull them out? On the other hand that will never lead to Penelope look.

It would be great to see you a the blog camp in August! I'm not sure what is the sleeping space situation, Bee's a better person to ask, but it would be so great if you could come over at least for a day!

Reya Mellicker said...

OK this is hilarious. You made me laugh out loud.

I remember the years of hair dye and brunette ears and strange streaks across the top of the forehead. I remember paying the big bucks to have the professionals do it.

Never will I forget the frickin' process of letting it grow out which included highlights and lowlights and hundreds of dollars.

God.

When I finally cut off the last of the colored hair, life got so much simpler.

But I loved having red, auburn, brunette hair (depending on my mood). You go girl!

Peter Breese said...

Hilarious, wonderful story! I used to dye my hair a fair bit in college and I had a blue or green ear from time to time... it will fade quickly ;). At least it should.

Lenore said...

My husband wouldn't dare point out any greys. Not that I have any ;)

Ces said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! AAAAACK! HAHAHAHAHA! This is so funny. I am laughing at your post, not you. Heavens. I would never laugh at another woman's grey hairs. He got to you huh? You fell for it. I love the drawing. Now I wonder if the next time Guy tells you you have grey hairs, what will you do?

I have 15 grey hairs. I counted them. I told my children to count my grey hairs and I gave them a quarter for every grey hair they found but they were not allowed to pull it, just count. My son counted 35, my daughter counter 15. I believe my daughter more than my son when it comes to grey hair.

Ces said...

Tessa, a cranny is where you get mugged, so stay away from a cranny or you will end up the next day feeling like a granny.

Grace Albaugh said...

Oh my. This is why I have never touched my hair with dye.I have many more than 7 gray hairs but I am holding out.
I'd give you some lovely advice on how to rid yourself from said stains but as said already, have no experience with the hair dye.
Good luck darling.

A Thousand Clapping Hands said...

You can bet that I loved this video! If I was in Africa I would be spending lots of my time learning African dances. I always had to dye my hair without wearing clothes or I would stain everything. Now I go to the salon, and even THEY dye my ears!
Catherine

Can't wait for my picture to arrive!
---

Had the shutout problem again...but managed to get through somehow!

Diana Evans said...

oh you are too funny!! I love your post and you made me smile today with it....

Hugs
Diana

kj said...

dearest tessa, you are beautiful plain and simple. the only reason to dye is for yourself (or guy if he asks sweetly perhaps.) if it makes you feel good about yourself, there's your reason!

myself, i would look like a brown and white porcupine if i didn' dye. so instead i am just recently donning the color orange, still on my quest to be kjbabe.

i'm obviously immature, but i'm thinking that's a good thing.

love you tessa,
kj

Sarah Laurence said...

Oh dear, but perhaps it was worth it for this funny post! All in the name of art.... I have more than 7 grey hairs but I figure they are part of me.

linda said...

this is exactly why I have someone else do my highlights for me!! ugh....can you imagine doing it with peroxide??? yikes, I would have a half white eyebrow, just one, flecks here and there, whatever I am wearing-gone-all in the name of vanity and our hubbies' little remarks, lol....ah well...at least you WILL be beautiful when the stains disappear.

blessings to your lovely hair and you...

linda said...

and he doesn't have room to talk about grey hair!!

;)

sallymandy said...

Oh dear, I'm sure it's not bad.

Getting older and facing these ISSUES is so humbling! What's to be done? When you have an answer, please let me know because I'm "dyeing" to know.

My father has exactly 0 gray hairs on his head, though a few in his eyebrows. He's 76, and only has some thinning of his chocolate-brown hair. I'm hoping I take after him. Certainly have other "age-related issues," though. Bah.

Thanks for the funny, funny post.

Kathleen said...

Arrived by way of Gracie Who . . . and it's a delightful place to be!

But, oh, the battle with gray. My sympathies. I used to tell my kids they were silver hair jewelry. Then I'd go and pluck them. The shame.

Of late, I color and highlight. But the inch of white contrasted with the fake brown when it's time to get my roots done is so offensive to my color sensibilities, I'm very close to being done with this color business.

If I had to do over, I'd let the gray come in. Because it's not really gray. It's white. It sparkles and glows, like a halo. And halos are good!

Best of luck!

Ribbon said...

that's funny...

I'm old enough for grey hair, but not mature enough :-)

best wishes
Ribbon

Renee said...

har har har har

oh my God Tessa har har har

Love this post, I was laughing my head off at the get-go.

And when I got to the picture I almost choked. har har

Thank you so much. I needed that.

p.s. I love Guy.

Love Renee xoxoxo

Lori ann said...

Oh hahahahahahaha!!

oh man tessa. please be more careful next time will ya? that stuff is periliously close to your eye!! oh but i am laughing, you and all your friends are too funny.

now i have to come back through internet explorer to see the video because this firefox won't let me. dumdum computers. (i have to toggle between both to get into different sites, sigh.)
love you.

Linda Sue said...

Oh TESSA- grey hairs are very pretty especially on artists, I would say.I, too, am relieved- I thought you bonked your head on a sharp object...I've always been way too blonde- almost see through - I envy anyone with a bit of variety and texture on their heads.
If you want some butterflies let me know - although you could make much better ones- mine look like kindergarten.

Unseen Rajasthan said...

This is funny!! Enjoyed reading it..Great..Unseen Rajasthan

Azul Valentina said...

You have made me laugh so hard! I must have done the same thing a few times! I finally found out that putting vaseline on your skin before coloring it prevents you from getting the color on your skin!
Hugs!
AV

Tessa said...

Hehe! Thank you, dear ones, for your lovely, funny comments. The stains are fading now -- and the grey hairs? Well, they have disappeared for the time being. Guy is out of purdah!

Woman in a Window said...

You're just dying now? I've been at it for 20 years. Been every colour. Been stained through and through. And it's all worth it. Why not try red? Come on!

Just remember to wipe up those dribbles!

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

LMAO!!! Oh dear, Tessa, such vanity! I'm getting greyer as we speak but I prefer to call my grey hairs "highlights", expensive ones, each one individually treated...
(that said, on the day that vanity wins out, I'm off to the hairdressers, none of this splatty stuff for me) ;-)
xxx

Caroline said...

I'm just catching up on your posts having been out of blogland for a month and this one is the best!! What timing too - I'm just off to the hairdresser to get my (very) grey roots done. Only advice I can give you is just don't bother! Let the grey hairs come!! I wish I had, as I now face the prospect of life long dying or a. sporting a hedgehog look by cutting my hair to half an inch all over or b. suffering with the the bedragled hyaena style as I let it grow out - aargh!

Anna Lefler said...

Take it from an old vet on this:

It's just friggin' easier to change husbands.

(Side note: will your new face splotch qualify you for some kind of special parking permit? Then TOTALLY worth it.)

XOXO

A.

Michele said...

Ok, Tessa, this is the single best blog post I have ever read! Please write a book!!! If you have aleady, please let me know where to buy it!!